Blog by Steve Backlund
“I will not withdraw my heart from people who disappoint me or that I hear negative information about.” This is a powerful belief and declaration for those who want healthy relationships and increased influence. It does not mean we don’t have boundaries in our interactions with people, but the tendency to withdraw our hearts from people will not benefit us or others if we persist in it.
As we mature, we begin to understand our own tendencies. We are able to recognize and admit things like this:
- I tend to dwell on unresolved relational situations in my life.
- I tend to not feel worthy to be blessed or to be happy
- I tend to fixate on what is not perfect yet.
- I tend to judge others by their actions and justify myself by my motives.
- I tend to be defensive if anyone questions my actions or attitudes.
- I tend to avoid conflict.
- I tend to feel overlooked and under-appreciated.
We can certainly add “I have the tendency to withdraw my heart from people who disappoint me or that I hear negative information about” to this list. We often do this unconsciously, and it is a habit that will not serve our life goals well.
Why Withdrawing Our Heart From People is a Problem
It is part of the elder brother mindset – The default of the elder-brother mindset is to first see what is wrong with a person or place. The default of the father-mindset is to first see what is right with a person or place. (See Luke 15:11-32.)
It will limit our influence – It is difficult to positively influence those we are offended at.
It contributes to dysfunctional relational environments – Unresolved heart issues concerning people in our key environments (home, work, church, etc.) will work against having healthy teams or healthy families.
It blinds us to really see people – As we fixate on what people are doing wrong, we will be unable to see who they really are. “Therefore, from now on, we regard no one according to the flesh” (2 Corinthians 5:16).
We give our power away and become the victim – When someone’s behavior controls our emotions, then we have given our power away to that person.
We become part of the problem and not the solution – We live in a society that is increasingly canceling people and disconnecting from people. There is a spirit of division that wants us to join in this corrupting behavior.
As we navigate our heart posture toward people in our lives, it is helpful to understand the pattern of most relationships.
Excitement –>
Disappointment –>
Then the choice of disconnection or connection
How we process disappointment in people will be a key factor in how much positive influence we will have. I talk about this in my blog, “I Choose You Again”.
How to Overcome the Tendency of Withdrawing Our Hearts From People
- When tempted to be inwardly critical about someone, immediately pray for them – This investment in their lives will help you keep your love on for the person.
- Seek first to understand before you seek to be understood – Asking great questions will help you know the true facts and help you understand the heart of the person.
- Keep leaning into relationships – Connections with people can certainly be challenging, but 1 Corinthians 13 (the ‘love’ chapter) gives us powerful motivation to do relationships well.
- Learn simple ways to stay connected and to send the message, “You are important to me” – Some of these include thankfulness, remembering things, supporting them in dreams, etc.
- Develop skills to resolve conflict and to work with challenging people – Our book, Culture of Empowerment, is a good one for this. Danny Silk has many powerful resources for this as well.
Again, we recognize that there may be people in our lives who we need to keep at a distance because of abusive or reckless behavior, but even with those people, we can keep our heart in a place of seeing them as God sees them.
2024 is a year of relational healing. As we refuse to withdraw our hearts from people who disappoint us, we will truly become part of the solution for the healing of our families and nations.